A Girl's Guide to Condoms

Ok...so today I purchased condoms for the first time ever. I am contemplating a possible "encounter" with a man and I want to go into it fully prepared. So I went to the drug store to make my very SATC purchase of condoms and a bikini kit where I was confronted with something odd. The condoms were locked up in a case. wtf? AND there are like 300 different types of condoms. Various sizes, dry, extra lube, flavored, colors, ribbed, "for his pleasure" (doesn't he get enough guaranteed pleasure), and then I found the "for her pleasure" (no we're talking). So I am talking to my friend on the phone about which to purchase. Then I notice the price. The smaller packs are 3 for $5.99 = $2/condom. I had no idea.....but I suppose it is a small price to pay for preventing unwanteds (unwanteds = surprise preggers, stds, weird stuff on your tulip).

And then I realize that in order to make my purchase, I had to locate a store attendant to unlock the gates to my carefree encounter!! O-M-G!!

I look over to the pharmacists station and its some weird dude with glasses. I scan the nearby isles...and YES....I spot a female store attendant. I walk over to her and say, "Excuse me....I would like to purchase something from the locked case over there". I point in the general direction of the condom case. She says,"What locked case?" To which I responded, in a low voice as I lean towards her, "the condom case". The store attendant has absolutely no facial expression as she looks at me and says, "I don't have a key to that case". We then have a moment of awkward silence to which I'm thinking ....omg is she serious? So I smile and say,"can you please locate the key so you can help me out". Expressionless, she starts walking towards the front of the store. I wait for her as she fetches the key from the front desk. I start walking towards the condom case where we meet and she asks which one I want. By this time I have had enough time to think about which one I want and I select the Trojans For Her Pleasure. The expressionless attendant unlocks the case, reaches for the lavender box of condoms, and I extend my eager little paw. Just when I think I am about to be in possession of the key to my carefree encounter, the expressionless attendant looks at me and says, "I have to walk it up to the front and you can pick it up there". Awesome....

So I begin my walk behind the expressionless store attendant to the check-out counter to complete my purchase of a bikini kit and a 3 pack box of condoms. And of course, there is a guy at the check-out stand. I walk straight to the male cashier, I place my bikini kit on the counter, he scans it, and then I say, "I am also purchasing the other item". He says, "what?". To which I respond, "the other item....purple box...the condoms." "Oh, right." I was like, OMG, what must be going through this guys head....this chick is here with a bikini hair removal kit and condoms! So he reaches for the condoms and scans my second item, and then says, "Do you have a Savons card?". O-M-G!